The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
