You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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