so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Randomize
