she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
