True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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