I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
