Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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