I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
