the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted