Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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