Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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