I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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