You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Church boner. Awkwardddd
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
