We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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