I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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