she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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