I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
