I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
