We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
love makes seman taste better
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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