I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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