Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
