I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
