Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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