You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
