i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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