the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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