I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
