The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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