she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
