Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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