Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
