Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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