I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
