New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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