I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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