ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
