Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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