New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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