I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
