I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
