His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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