i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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