he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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