halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
