Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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