I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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