I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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