I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
