Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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