im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
