The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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