Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
