I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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