If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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