New invention idea: vibrating tampons
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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