Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
