Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
