life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
