He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
