dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This is my life. Enjoy the view
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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