I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
