So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
They have beer where we have blood.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
