i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my shit smells like andre
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Randomize
