wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
