I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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